The chances are that if you work in an environment with other people you are, at some point or another going to encounter conflict. It is human nature. There are always different ways of looking at the same thing. There are few universal truths.
Conflict is usually seen as negative. But it does not have to be. With some simple understanding conflict can be used for good to promote action and positive change. All it needs is for those engaged in the conflict to follow some basic rules. Grasping these rules can provide life lessons too, not just career ones and help you see through issues and problems to achieve positive outcomes.
Now, to be clear, we are talking about conflict, not abuse. If you are the victim of abuse and/or bullying head for your HR department for advice. That said, you may still find some of the points raised here helpful, even in extreme conflict situations.
Whatever your conflict journey, I hope the following does help.
1. Do not take it Personally
Whatever is causing the conflict in any given situation, it is more than likely not about you. True, it may be about something to do with you; something you have done or not done, but in my experience, it is rarely an attack on you as a person. People’s motivations in conflict situations can be varied and often complex, but it is rarely borne of a personal dislike alone. But here is the thing, whether you choose to take it personally or not is entirely within your gift. It is up to you if take it personally or not. This is an enormously powerful choice. Whatever the conflict situation and whatever your part in it, being down on yourself is never going to solve it. So, do not take it personally, ever.
2. Be Self Aware
Whilst not taking things personally is an immensely powerful technique, it should not be allowed to cloud self-awareness. You need to be honest with yourself about what your part in any given conflict is. You need to be self-aware. We cannot always see beyond our own thoughts so talk to others to get another angle on things. You are not seeking supporters necessarily, but people who can provide an honest, objective assessment of the situation. An honest self-analysis of your conflict is a powerful starting point to understanding and resolving it.
TRUE STORY
Some years ago, I worked in an office as a Quantity Surveyor. I was leaving to go to a new job and had made it my mission to clear some old accounts before I left. To do this was not only some considerable effort on my part, but I also needed the support of our team secretary to type up the documents (yes, we are talking a while ago). By my leaving day I had done my bit and had agreed all the accounts. I just needed to get signatures on each document to complete the task. But I could not because the secretary had failed to deliver half of the documents, despite my chasing. So, at my exit interview with my boss I expressed, in no uncertain terms, my frustration and annoyance that I had been let down. Unfortunately, the boss’s office was right next door to where the secretary sat, and the walls were not that thick. She heard everything that I said. I left that day and started a new job in a new town 200 miles away. End of story: well not quite.
Five years later I was running a business in my own name. I received a phone call from someone who said, “are you the Bryan Harper who I used to work with?” It was a call from said secretary, who was in the area visiting relatives. We agreed to meet for coffee. Somewhat inevitably, we got to speak of events all that while ago. She explained that initially she had been mortified by what I said, but then very quickly came to the view that I was right, and in so doing realised that she was in the wrong job for her. She left and got a job doing something totally different and which she loved. She insisted on paying for coffee as a thank you for helping her realise that she needed to make a change and without which she would not have enjoyed her current success.
So, conflict can have a happy ending. In this case it woke up the self-awareness in someone and who made a positive change as a result of it.
3. Learn to Tolerate Fools
A lot of conflict can arise from people behaving badly or foolishly. There is a great temptation to dismiss such people as fools and simply have nothing to do with them. You may be aware of the phrase, to not suffer fools gladly. Well, it is wrong. You see, we all have the capacity to be fools sometimes, we are human beings after all. If your mantra is to not suffer fools gladly, you will gradually alienate everyone around you as we all at some time fall at the hurdle of foolishness. Give people a break, cut them some slack. Accept their frailties and see past their foolishness. Learn to tolerate fools.
TRUE STORY
Many years ago, I got an interview for a job I did not deserve to have. I was out of my depth from the start. The recruiter was smart and experienced. I was neither. But I got through ok to the bit where he asked about strengths and weaknesses. So, to the strengths I said, “I don’t suffer fools gladly”. And I meant it! At that time, I believed that there was a right way to do things and anyone who did not do things properly got short shrift from me. I wore it as a badge of honour, as a point of principle. The recruiter heard all of this and quietly replied. “Mr Harper, you will find in your career, as in life, that you are surrounded by fools. The sooner you learn to tolerate them the better.” I left the interview indignant with rage. How dare he challenge my efforts to do everything properly, right and professional and to reject those who did not rise to the same ideals? Why should I tolerate fools? But the penny did drop, and I realised exactly what he meant. He did not mean that everyone was a fool, just that we all have the capacity to be so at times, and we should learn to live with it. I did not get the job, but I did learn a valuable lesson that day.
4. Be Understanding
The causes of conflict are often complex. It may be nigh on impossible to ever work out exactly why someone is acting like they are. Somewhere, there will be a logical explanation. But it is not necessarily our function to find out why. But it is our function to show understanding. To acknowledge that many things go in to how somebody is or acts helps us to not personalise it. It helps us appreciate that there may be other drivers and stresses, maybe work related, maybe not. So, in the face of conflict, try to be understanding. Try to understand what is driving them. Why are they anxious, stressed, worried? Be open to the fact that it may be anything, and that you may well never know. In many situations there may well be a driver external to the actual form the conflict takes, and it is the conflict which acts as the outlet. Yes, this is getting complex and bordering on a deeper psychology than I am qualified to argue. But you get my point? In the face of conflict, be understanding.
5. Try to see things in a different way
Conflict often stems from two people seeing something from different ends of the telescope. The more you look at something, the more you get convinced that your view is the correct one. But if both parties do the same, you simply end up with ever deepened and entrenched views. So, the simple trick is to try and see things in a different way. Try to see things their way. Now, this does not mean abandoning your views and principles, but it may just give you some insight as to why they see things as they do. And you may just find the small bridge that begins to cover the divide. You may not fully resolve any given conflict, but by opening your mind to the opportunity of seeing things differently may make you appreciate why you have a conflict in the first place and give you the insight on how to resolve it.
6. Be Flexible
Rarely are conflict situations straightforward. If they were then we would see less of it. By definition, there would be no conflict. Given this, it is hardly a surprise that conflict resolution is not straightforward either. So, if anything is going to get better either one or both parties are going to have to be flexible in their approach. This is at the crux of much dispute resolution, from worldwide issues right down to two person arguments. Something has to give. Someone has to give. Being flexible is not a sign of weakness, quite the reverse. If played well it can be a card of strength. Learn to be flexible.
7. Pick your Battles
So, you are right in your opinion, the facts back you up, but still the other side cannot see it, you still have conflict. Does it matter? Well, that will depend on any given situation. But the underlying principle here is that you cannot win every battle. The chances are that even if you are right not everyone likes to openly admit their mistakes. Being right all the time does not always make you popular!! So, you must learn to pick your battles. If it really does not matter, let it go. At least you know you are right!
8. Build Bridges
All the things we have looked at here all amount to the same thing. They are all about building bridges, bridges back to a place of pre conflict calm. Back to a world where we understand ourselves and are aware of our own strengths and limitations. Back to a world where we are tolerant and understanding of others. Where we can see things as others may do and be flexible in our approach in the battles we choose to fight. Of course, it takes two to tango, as they say, and bridges themselves are not the whole answer. You have got to get both sides to meet in the middle. But you need the bridge first. Where you can, build bridges.
9. Decide to use conflict as a learning experience
Most events in life, good and bad, present learning opportunities. Conflict is no different. Unfortunately, conflict exists all around us (not just in the workplace). Every time you engage with someone else there is the potential for conflict. So, a good set of coping skills is essential. Workplace conflict can be draining. We spend most of our waking hours at work. It can affect our sleep too. At best, it is not nice. At worst, it can make us ill. So, if this is you, and you are stuck amid a bad situation, just try standing back and looking at what you can learn from the situation. It might not solve the conflict, but it may well help your understanding and prevent similar things happening again.
10. Sometimes you just have to Walk Away
It is a lovely idea to think that with a few tried and tested techniques we can resolve all conflict and move on to bright new horizons. But the world is not like that. So, when you have explored all options to resolve conflict, when you have exhausted your own depths of self-awareness, understanding, flexibility and tolerance you may still find yourself unable to make a positive change. At this point you may just need to walk away and find another job. Wow, that sounds extreme. But you cannot always solve everything. If you are not prepared to compromise any further than you probably already have it might be the only answer. Now, of course, the ability to do so is going to be different for everyone and that will undoubtedly influence your decision. But if all else has failed then this may be your ultimate sanction.
If you do get to this position but have followed some of the rules described here, at least you can walk away in the knowledge that you tried everything possible to deal with the conflict. Leaving might not be the positive outcome you were looking for but doing so having tried everything is a strong endorsement of your own effort and integrity, and for which you can walk away with your head held high.
Take care out there. Look after yourself and each other.
Bryan is a highly trusted and experienced Programme and Project Manager in the world of corporate office relocation. Bryan has worked with some of the best names in the industry, both individually and through the major property consultancy CBRE.